1. If you’re alive, you know you’re alive. If you’re dead, you’re probably unaware of your status. It’s better to know where you stand.
2. Global warming. There are more warm days, and even warmer days to come.
3. The platypus. Still around after all these years, and we get to look at pictures of the goofy thing.
4. Paris Hilton. I’ve been to Paris, and the Hilton there is very nice.
5. Hitler is dead. It’s hard for us to all agree on anything, but almost all of us agree this is good. Also dead: Vlad the Impaler and Perry Como.
6. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Upon seeing the title of this film, you felt more intelligent because, hey, at least you’re not the idiot who came up with this concept.
7. A lot of things taste like chicken. This is good because it’s a pain in the ass describing how things taste.
8. Mimes are no longer popular. Why is the mime always trapped inside the box? Why not outside? Why isn’t it a cylinder instead? Mimes, some creativity, please.
9. There are clocks everywhere. You may be confused by many things, but you do know what time it is.
10. There are numerous reality shows, in case, somehow, you don’t understand what reality is like.
11. You are confident that, if you call up a company and ask a question, you will get a wrong answer. Previously you were uncertain.
12. You know that, with help from a weight-loss expert, you can, in time, gain five pounds.
13. You know that this is O.K. because Oprah will gain more.
14. We went to the moon and, then, lost our ability to solve any social issues. You want to learn if there is some kind of a relationship between the two.
15. Thanks to sci-fi, we are now clearer about what the future won’t be like.
16. Passive investing. Buy one low expense ratio stock index fund, buy one low expense ratio bond index fund; and focus on partying. You’ll probably end up with more money, and you will have partied much more.